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President Comments on Post-Iraq Commonwealth
Washington - President Exxon and his top administrators spoke from the White House press room today to a gathering of reporters, commenting on the latest developments in Operation Liberate Iraq’s Oil. The President said he was very pleased with the way the war was going, and expressed confidence that the practice war in Iraq would toughen our troops for the upcoming campaigns in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Dubai, Qatar, Egypt, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, and Xopjqerjlegrikistan. When someone pointed out that the US had already colonized Afghanistan, President Exxon explainified that our defensery of US interests in the name of justiceness would continuate. President Exxon then fielded scripted questions. Tom Brokaw of General Electric News asked if he could ride a Humvee when Coalition of the Bought and Paid For forces entered Baghdad, but was incensed when Wolf Blitzer of AOL/TimeWarner News called “Shotgun!” Secretary of Defense Donald American Enterprise Institute said all reporters would get a chance to take part in the invasion. An unidentified and, worse still, unaffiliated, reporter then broke ranks and asked whether President Exxon would uphold all the righteous and virtuous reasons he has put forward as justification for invading Iraq--crazed leader, an oppressed people, weapons of mass destruction--by invading a country where those conditions are proven to exist rather than where they have been proffered but unproven, as in the current campaign. The reporter suggested North Korea as an arena where President Exxon might demonstrate consistency in his principles. Secretary of Defense Donald American Enterprise Institute then revised his earlier statement, saying that only the good reporters would get a chance to take part in the invasion, and that any reporters with similar unscripted questions could stick around and have their questions answered privately by Attorney General John AssKickin. Peter Jennings of Disney News then asked about the rebuilding of Iraq plan, specifically if the administration felt that all those darn extremists might be pacified by a theme park. “I’m thinking ‘Mosquey Mouse,’ or some other ethnically placatory name,” said Jennings. The Host of Blathering Idiots at Murdoch News protested vociferously, claiming they had already called dibs on any and all Middle Eastern Democratization/Reconstruction amusement conglomerations, waving around as proof copies of a secret White House contract, brokered by Richard Perle and signed just nine years ago. In a rare appearance, Vice President Halliburton peeked into the room, but scurried back out when he saw his shadow. Dan Rather of Viacom News, feeling obligated, then read a question handed to him by White House Spokesperson Ari Unocal. “Mister President,” said Rather, “is God really on our side in this conflict rather than on the side of the Moslem extremists even though this is a war against Sodomy Hussein and not the peons--people--of Iraq?” “I’m glad you asked that,” said the President. Secretary of State Colin ClearChannel then commended all the reporters for asking incisive and pertinent questions, patted them on their heads for being good and obedient patriots, and exclaimed he looked forward with great joy to the day when all news agencies would, under the new FCC legislation proposed by his son Michael, merge together as TransGlobalCommuniCom, a subsidiary of the newly reconstituted Enron.
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